Boyfriend Has Changed

My name is Jenna and I am dealing with things on the other side at the moment.

By that, I mean that I am the one who dumped my long time boyfriend. I know that you don’t usually get letters from people like me, but I was wondering if you might have any advice for someone who is going through their own personal hell at the moment.

We were together for 6 years and engaged for one year. We were to be married in June. But things changed a few months ago and it feels like I don’t even know this person.

We always had a fairly adventurous side when it came to all things sexual. Not conservative at all and I think I gave him pretty much everything he asked for. I admit that I didn’t mind the harmless games and such. Sometimes I even enjoyed it if I am honest.

While I am not a prude by any means, it has been my experience that guys usually take it further in the bedroom than women. Women are more timid I think.

About 5 months ago, he came up with this idea to “spice things up” in the bedroom. I already thought it was spicy enough, but I agreed to listen. The ideas that he had were not my cup of tea. They were what I thought were extreme and I was uncomfortable. We tried once after a few drinks one night and even though I was semi drunk, I still felt so self conscious and couldn’t shake the feeling that what we were doing wasn’t right. I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, we needed to do this in the bathroom.

The next day, I felt embarrassed and couldn’t look him in the eye. He seemed happier than normal. I knew him well enough to see this. But what I couldn’t forget is how he was literally shaking with excitement while we were engaged in this extreme behavior. I thought nothing of it at the time, but now it really bothered me. I felt like I didn’t even know him. Hard to put this into words.

I told him I hope he enjoyed it because it was the last time we would do that. He told me he could tell I loved it. I explained that I was drinking at the time and that it would never happen again for any reason.
It just made me feel bad about myself.

But he wouldn’t stop. Every time we got intimate after that, he asked if we could do that again. He was so persistent it drove me crazy. After a while, I could tell that he was bored with our normal sex life and sex soon stopped altogether.

Then he started getting controlling. He asked me if I was cheating because we didn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t even leave the house without getting questioned. He turned from this great guy into someone so shallow and desperate. I didn’t even want to be around him.

That is when I started making plans to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, but he wasn’t the same person. I don’t know what happened.

So, I dumped him last month. Since then, he has been impossible to handle. He won’t accept that the breakup happened and it is driving me crazy. He usually texts me many times in a day and they are passive aggressive texts. Like he’ll be as nice as anything (like he used to be) and then an hours later he is just nasty.

I know it is hard on him. It’s hard on me too.

Maybe my mistake was agreeing to spice up our sex life. I should have stopped it before it started. Now it feels like I let the genie out of the bottle. If it wasn’t for that, I think we would have been okay.

So, my question is do you think I should give him another chance? I am so undecided right now. I love him, but I have to think about myself too. Sorry for the long letter.

Hi Jenna,

Thanks for not disclosing too much, but I think we have enough to get the gist of this.

That is quite the story. I know it must have taken a lot for you to leave.

But I think you did the right thing.

It sounds like he might have always had these urges and he suppressed them all those years. People don’t usually change that much. I think you are right in your genie in a bottle analogy. Having it happen that night was like a dream come true for him and he wanted it to continue. But that is hardly your fault – it would have eventually come out.

His thinking at present is probably that if you tried it once, there is always a chance you’d be willing to do it again.

He may be obsessed with this. That means that no matter what you do, if you take him back, this has a good chance of becoming an issue again. And what if you marry him? What then? It is going to be a lot more complicated then.

It’s obvious that it makes you uncomfortable and you have every right to refuse.

Now, I sense that it isn’t the only reason you don’t want him back. It sounds like he isn’t the person you thought he was. You mentioned that he appears needy, but that’s normal after a breakup. We all do that because we let our emotions take over. I wouldn’t read too much into that.

Even though this is a site about how to get your ex back, I am glad you wrote. It gives us a chance to see the other side for a change.

As mentioned, I think you did the right thing. I also don’t believe that your situation will change if you take him back. I know there is a lot of guilt, but you are doing the right thing for you and for him also. One of these days, he may meet someone who is more into his offbeat sexual preferences.

Distance and time will make a world of difference, so try to limit your contact with him and eventually things should subside.

Thanks for writing in.