My name is Nat – short for Natalie. And I have a massive problem. I was reading another story about a women who was feeling guilty about dumping her boyfriend that I just had to write in about the situation I am in right now.
I dumped my boyfriend around New Years. I will get into the reason why in a minute. But since then, I believe he has gone off the deep end and I am racked with guilt because of what I did to him. According to his family, he has quit his job, stays at home all day, and if it continues, he is going to end up homeless.
He is also refusing to talk to any of his friends and never leaves his apartment. I think he might be depressed. I mean clinically depressed and I am worried about him. I know that makes me sound superior in a way, but that isn’t he way I want to come across. It isn’t me at all. I had no choice but to dump him because I found out that he was having a relationship with my sister.
As I write this, I look at the words and I am still in disbelief. How could he have done that to me? How could she have done this to me?
I sensed that there was something going on between him and her for a while now. For the past year, they just seem to be communicating on a different level than the rest of us. There wasn’t one thing in particular, but I just had a feeling that they were closer than they had been.
One night, I just happened to catch my boyfriend entering his password into his phone out of the corner of my eye. Interesting choice of password. I wasn’t going to do anything at first, but I needed to find out for sure. Any suspicion I had could be proved by going into his texts.
I hacked into his phone one morning when he was in the shower and there was a ton of recent texts from a guy named Norm. I now know that it was a fake name because the messages were sexual and obviously from a female. As I read on in tears, I realized that it was my sister because of the places and times they texted about and also private things only she would text.
I was horrified and managed to cover my feelings for a day or so, but it ate me up inside. The next day was New Years Eve and my parents had a party at their house. As predicted, they managed to sit next to each other on the couch. Close, but not on top of each other. Still, I was fuming.
Anyway, I don’t want to drag this out because it’s not my point anyway. Suffice it to say that I confronted them later that night and I dumped them both. I will spare you the drama of that scene, but you can imagine.
It’s been a few months now and he has sent me multiple texts every day, apologizing and telling me how much he loves me. People have told me that he is losing it and isn’t the same person. Because of that, I can’t shake this feeling of intense guilt. He even quit his job and just stays in now. I didn’t want to dump him, but what choice did I have? Should I feel guilty because he is ruining his life?
I have one friend that told me he asked if I had a boyfriend. He is also stalking me on Facebook and other apps (I suspect). I don’t know if he is stalking me in real life, but it feels like it.
I ignore all his texts and I don’t even read them anymore. If he calls, I let it go to voicemail and just delete it without listening to it. I have to do this because it is too hard otherwise. I have to keep it together because my own career is in turmoil right now and I don’t want to make it worse.
I just want him to leave me alone. But I also think that maybe I can forgive him and start again someday. If he were to meet someone else, I would be devastated so that tells me that I must still love him. But if I took him back, what is that saying about me as a person? He was with my sister. How bad does that get?
I am still not talking to her. To me, it is the ultimate betrayal. It is physically painful to be around her right now. I know she is devastated and ashamed, but I just can’t deal with her and him at the same time. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but it is going to take a lot to get back to where we were. Probably won’t ever get back to that point and it kills me. But that is life.
Do you have any advice on what I should do? I want him back. I still love him. I know he loves me. But I doubt that I can trust him. I have never really dumped anyone in my life and I feel horrible for doing it because I’m not that type. I just wish everything would go back to the way it was a year ago and we could carry on with our lives.
Any thoughts on all of this? Thanks.
That is quite the story. Not many of us have to face that kind of betrayal and I can understand why you are so upset.
Without even getting into the boyfriend and sister aspect (which is out there to say the least), the fact that he cheated on you says a lot about his character in general. Maybe you don’t really know him at all. What guarantee do you have that he is not going to do this again? People don’t really change who they are and if he’s capable of doing this now, he could do the same in the future (not with your sister, obviously).
What makes it hard for you is that you still love him. Most people dump their partner because it isn’t working out or because they have fallen out of love with the other person. You were forced to dump someone you were still in love with and that is the worst.
But you had no choice.
Trust is such a big thing.
You certainly had no choice and you did the right thing. Imagine not dumping him and living with the knowledge he was with your sister? Wow…
I don’t think you even have to ask if you did the right thing. There are no other options in this case.
And as far as taking him back in the future? My feeling is that once he decided to sleep with your sister, he ended your relationship for good. There is no coming back from that. It is going to take everything you have to look your sister in the eye, let alone allow him to come back as your partner.
I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring his texts and phone calls. Nothing can be said to fix this. And if he wants to ruin his life, then there is little you can do about it. He’s an adult and he has to be responsible for his actions. There is a price to paid for cheating (especially under these circumstances).
I would never recommend that someone take their partner back after something like this. In the future, you’ll see that you made the right choice.
Stay strong and you’ll get over this. Thanks for writing in.